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Untitled (1990)

 

Cast of Characters

 

Alex, a TV comic

Axel, his younger brother

Kane, their cousin

Anna, a teenage girl

Rafael, a bratty teenage boy

Susan, his elder sister

Danny, their elder brother

Val, a local spiv

Rik, an actor, party animal

Toni, his younger sister

Colin, their eldest brother, Mr Conservative

Karl, their youngest brother, Axel’s flatmate

 

 

 

SCENE 1: OUR PRICE RECORD STORE.

 

(KARL is behind the counter. ANNA enters)

 

KARL

Yo Anna! How’s it hanging?

 

ANNA

Oh fine, fine. Axel and Kane out of hospital yet?

 

KARL

(grinning)

Er…not yet, no.

 

ANNA

Must have been some fight, huh?

 

KARL

You were there, though…

 

ANNA

Yes…but Alex managed to keep me from seeing the action.

 

KARL

Yeah well, you might have been hurt.

 

ANNA

How’s Rik?

 

KARL

Oh, he’s fine. He’s out of hospital now.

 

ANNA

Give him my love and tell him that I think he’s a great actor.

 

KARL

(sighing)

Yeah…OK.

 

(VAL enters from back)

 

VAL

Hi, little girl. What you doing tonight then, huh?

 

ANNA

Get lost…creep.

 

KARL

Anna, this is Valentine.

 

ANNA

(grinning)

Valentine?

 

VAL

Yeah, well just call me Val, OK?

 

ANNA

OK.

 

VAL

So, you’re Karl’s girlfriend, huh?

 

(ANNA scowls)

 

KARL

 No, Val. It’s Kane wot she likes.

 

ANNA

Karl…

 

VAL

(grimacing)

Kane? Not Kane Smith? He’s a gypsy. He drives a Skoda!

 

ANNA

He ain’t a gypsy.

 

VAL

See? Proves you like him!

 

ANNA

So what if I do?

 

KARL

Oh well, so does every other girl this side of Peru.

 

ANNA

Really?

 

KARL

I’m sorry kiddo, but he’s got a girl.

 

ANNA

Oh…

 

VAL

Don’t worry kid, you don’t wanna go with a gypsy anyway.

 

ANNA

Oh, you’d know, wouldn’t you?

 

(RAFAEL enters through shop door)

 

VAL

Oh God…

 

RAFAEL

(drunk)

Well…hi…guys…

 

KARL

Oh Raf, just get outta here, OK?

 

RAFAEL

(noticing Anna)

Well, hi there, baby…

 

ANNA

(backing away)

Yeah…uh…hi.

 

KARL

Get lost, Rafael.

 

VAL

Or we’ll chuck you out…

 

RAFAEL

Oh, OK. I get the message.

 

(RAFAEL exits)

 

ANNA

Jeez…what a turd.

 

KARL

Yeah – you bet.

 

 

SCENE 2: THE HOSPITAL.

 

(AXEL and KANE are in twin beds)

 

AXEL

Kane, my friend…

 

KANE

I ain’t your friend.

 

AXEL

Look, I’m sorry I slit your tyres, OK? Oh Kane, we used to be mates, why can’t we be now? I’ll get you new tyres, OK?

 

KANE

No, it isn’t OK. You shouldn’t have done it in the first place.

 

(ALEX enters, with flowers)

 

ALEX

(cheerfully)

Hi boys! Still not talking to one another? No? Well, I bought you some flowers…

 

(ALEX gives KANE and AXEL the flowers)

 

AXEL

Thanks…

 

KANE

(sarcastically)

Yeah, they’re lovely.

 

AXEL

Terrific…

 

ALEX

Jeez guys…why don’t you make up?

 

KANE

Look, it’s none of your business…

 

ALEX

Yes son, it is actually, because it was my house that you trashed.

 

AXEL

Yeah, sorry.

 

ALEX

Well, I’ve got some good and some bad news for you…

 

AXEL

Well?

 

ALEX

You are free to leave the hospital now.

 

AXEL

Oh, wicked!

 

KANE

Yeah, that’s great!

ALEX

And the bad news…this is for you Kane…I got a call from Sammy…she’s found herself another guy…and Axel, someone nicked your Fiat Uno…well, goodbye…

 

(ALEX exits. KANE and AXEL look at one another in horror)

 

 

SCENE 3: RIK’S HOUSE.

 

(RIK is lying on the sofa, asleep. TONI is lying on the floor. COLIN enters)

 

COLIN

Jeez, what a mess…(shakes RIK) Wake up, little brother…

 

RIK

Wha…

 

COLIN

How did your house get in such a mess?

 

RIK

Uh…me and Toni had a party last night to celebrate me coming home…and…uh…

 

COLIN

Great (shaking TONI) Toni…

 

TONI

Uh…hi, Colin.

 

COLIN

You two drunk, or what?

 

RIK

No, we ain’t…

 

TONI

No, we got hangovers, that’s what…

 

COLIN

Well, that’s great, isn’t it? That’s just great!

 

RIK

Hey Colin…it’s my house…

 

COLIN

Yeah, I know that, squirt, it’s just that we were going to invite some upper class people round here…who might just get me a promotion.

 

RIK

Oh hell…I forgot…what time are they getting here?

 

COLIN

(looking at his watch)

Um…ten minutes?

 

RIK

Oh Col…I’m so sorry…

 

(COLIN jumps on him and they fight)

 

 

SCENE 4: RAFAEL’S HOUSE.

 

(RAFAEL enters the lounge, where SUSAN and DANNY, his brother and sister, are watching TV)

 

 

DANNY

(looking up)

Oh God…

 

RAFAEL

How come everyone, when they see me, says that?

 

DANNY

Can you blame them?

 

SUSAN

Oh Raffy…what’s happened? You used to be such a cute little kid…and now…

 

DANNY

Oh, Susan, don’t….

 

SUSAN

What happened? What went wrong?

 

DANNY

He grew up, that’s what.

 

RAFAEL

Yeah, dudes! Raf grew up! Raf’s invincible now! Just you try to stop me!

 

SUSAN

Stop you from doing what?

 

RAFAEL

This…(climbs on windowsill) Goodbye…cruel world!

 

(RAFAEL jumps out of the window)

 

SUSAN

NO!

DANNY

Oh great…peace at last…

 

RAFAEL

(from ground)

Ah! Who put these bloody thorns down here?

 

DANNY

Maybe not…

 

 

SCENE 5: OUR PRICE RECORD STORE.

 

(It is the next day. KARL is cleaning the work surface. COLIN enters)

 

KARL

Colin! Oh Colin, I haven’t seen you for ages! Where have you been?

 

COLIN

(gloomily)

Don’t ask.

 

KARL

Oh mate…what’s wrong?

 

COLIN

Why don’t you ask Rik?

 

KARL

Rik?

 

COLIN

Yes, Rik. The little bugger just happened to have a party the day before we were going to invite some upper class people round to see about my new promotion, and…

 

(KANE enters)

 

KARL

Kane! Kane my friend, I haven’t seen you in ages, man! What…

 

KANE

Oh, shut up!

 

KARL

Well, that’s charming, that is. Just charming!

 

COLIN

What’s up, Kane?

 

KANE

You know Sammy?

 

COLIN

Sammy King?

 

KANE

Yeah, she…

 

KARL

…left you.

 

KANE

Wait a minute. How the hell did…

 

KARL

Axel told me.

 

KANE

Axel? That no good, double-crossing, lying…

 

KARL

He is my flatmate.

 

KANE

Still? I thought after Benjie and Rik…

 

KARL

And the traction engine? Yeah, but we made up. Me and Axel. So should you.

 

COLIN

Yeah…

 

KARL

Yeah Col, and you should make up with Rik.

 

COLIN

I dunno…he made me pretty mad.

 

KARL

Mad? So did Axel make me. But we made up because – well, we’d been friends for so long that it seemed a pity to break up over one little argument…

 

COLIN

Yeah, well, I’ll give it a try.

 

KANE

Yes…me too.

 

KARL

Bravo!

 

 

SCENE 6: AXEL’S FLAT.

 

(AXEL is pacing restlessly. The doorbell rings. AXEL answers it. It is ANNA)

 

AXEL

Oh…hi…

 

ANNA

Hiya, Axel. Where’s Karl?

 

AXEL

Working.

 

ANNA

Did you two make up?

 

AXEL

Yep.

 

ANNA

Well, that’s great. Really brill. I’m glad, because I wouldn’t have wanted to take sides.

 

AXEL

Yeah, and you’d have gone with Karl?

 

ANNA

Yep. I’m sorry, Axel, but I think that he was in the right more than you.

 

AXEL

Great (pouts). Don’t you love me any more?

 

ANNA

Axel…

 

(SUSAN enters)

 

AXEL

Susan! Don’t bother ringing, just walk straight in!

 

SUSAN

I’m sorry but…have you seen Rafael?

 

AXEL

Yes.

 

SUSAN

Yes? Oh Axel, where?

 

AXEL

(picking up comic) Here. Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles…(picks up T shirt) Here. Teenage Mutant…

 

SUSAN

(crying)

Axel…

 

ANNA

Well done, Ax.

 

AXEL

Oh Susan, oh, I didn’t mean to make you cry, oh baby, please stop. If you don’t stop…

 

SUSAN

What?

 

AXEL

I’ll bloody sock you, that’s what! Now shut your face, you silly tart!

 

(SUSAN takes a knife from her pocket)

 

AXEL

(quickly)

Rafael? Rafael? Hell no. I haven’t seen him all day thankyouverymuchgoodbye.

 

SUSAN

Wimp.

 

(SUSAN exits)

 

AXEL

Shit, I never knew that Susan would pull something like…Jeez…

 

ANNA

I think I’d better leave.

 

AXEL

Oh don’t leave me, please, she might come back.

 

ANNA

(sneering)

Wimp.

 

AXEL

Eh?

 

 

SCENE 7: RIK’S HOUSE.

 

(RIK is lying in front of the TV. COLIN walks in)

 

RIK

Uh…Colin…

 

COLIN

Rik, I…

 

RIK

Oh Colin, look, I don’t want another lecture, OK?

 

COLIN

Rik, I wasn’t going to –

 

RIK

I get the message, OK?

COLIN

Rik – I shouldn’t have…

 

RIK

I mean, it is my house, and…

 

COLIN

RIK!

RIK

Yeah?

 

COLIN

Look, I’m sorry I yelled at you and…well, you were right, it is your house.

 

RIK

Well, thanks, Colin. I’m having another party tonight. Wanna come?

 

COLIN

No, I don’t think so.

 

(TONI and RAFAEL enter, drunk)

 

TONI

Yo…big brother…

 

COLIN

Rik…

 

RAFAEL

Comin’ to the party, Col?

 

TONI

Yeah…it’ll be great.

 

(SUSAN enters, drunk)

 

SUSAN

Yo…Colin…

 

COLIN

Rik…what the hell…

 

RIK

I had a party this morning, too.

 

TONI

It was great.

 

RAFAEL

You should have been there, Colin.

 

SUSAN

But tonight’s gonna be even better, huh Rik?

 

RIK

Yeah…you bet.

 

COLIN

Well…I suppose…I could come for just a little while.

 

RIK

Good on ya!

 

 

SCENE 8: AXEL’S FLAT.

 

(ALEX enters)

 

AXEL

If you’ve come to talk to me about Kane, then don’t bother.

 

ALEX

No, ‘course not. You can fight your own battles…

 

AXEL

Really?

ALEX

Yeah, I’ve come to give you the bill for wrecking my house.

 

AXEL

Oh shit...

 

ALEX

Five thousand pounds to be exact.

 

AXEL

Five big ones? You’re joking.

 

ALEX

I never joke…except when I’m on the telly.

 

AXEL

Oh, they were jokes, were they? Look Alex, I’m sorry, but I can’t pay you. I would sell my car but…

 

(DANNY enters)

 

DANNY

Yo! Whose Toyota is that outside? Man, is that hot or what?

 

(KARL enters)

 

KARL

Yo Dan, that your groovy car?

 

DANNY

Nope, it ain’t mine. Dead good, eh?

 

KARL

Yeah. Alex, that yours?

 

ALEX

Nope, it ain’t mine.

 

(VAL enters)

 

VAL

Sorry for barging in, but I had to find out whose car that was.

 

AXEL

Well…I dunno…

 

(AXEL goes to the window and looks)

 

AXEL

Wow! Is that cool or what?

 

(KANE enters)

 

KANE

You like it? It’s yours.

 

AXEL

What?

 

KANE

I won it. In a competition. I’ve already got a car. I don’t need it.

 

AXEL

But…why give it to me?

 

VAL

I wanna tell him! Let me tell him!

 

DANNY

Shut up! You don’t even know why!

 

VAL

I do! It’s because…

 

KANE

It’s because I’m sorry that I wouldn’t make up with you, Axel…

 

AXEL

So you give me a car? Jeez, thanks Kane, I don’t know what to say…

 

KANE

Say that we can be friends again.

 

AXEL

Oh Kane…of course we…but what about the five thousand?

 

ALEX

Slight exaggeration. I meant 50p.

 

AXEL

What?

 

ALEX

The only thing you broke was a vase I got for 50p from a jumble sale.

 

AXEL

What? You told me that it was an antique…

 

ALEX

Shut up and hand it over.

 

(AXEL gives him 50p)

 

VAL

Shall we be off to Rik’s party, then?

 

AXEL

Yeah! Radical!

 

KANE

I dunno…

 

KARL

Why not?

 

KANE

It’ll be the first party I’ve been to without Sammy, and…

 

AXEL

I think I can fix that. I know someone who’d love to go with you!

 

KANE

Who?

 

(ANNA enters)

 

ANNA

Hiya Axel!

 

AXEL

Hiya baby! How d’ya like to go to a party?

 

ANNA

With you?

 

KANE

No…with me.

 

ANNA

(blushing)

Really?

 

AXEL

Let’s go!

 

(Everyone exits)

 



 

 

 

 


Robin Tamblyn (author)