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Home The Romulus and Remus Complexes Kings of Hollywood (Screenplay) Medium Everything: Collected Writings Buy my Work
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Untitled (1990)
Cast of Characters
Alex, a TV comic Axel, his younger brother Kane, their cousin Anna, a teenage girl Rafael, a bratty teenage boy Susan, his elder sister Danny, their elder brother Val, a local spiv Rik, an actor, party animal Toni, his younger sister Colin, their eldest brother, Mr Conservative Karl, their youngest brother, Axel’s flatmate
SCENE 1: OUR PRICE RECORD STORE.
(KARL is behind the counter. ANNA enters)
KARL Yo Anna! How’s it hanging?
ANNA Oh fine, fine. Axel and Kane out of hospital yet?
KARL (grinning) Er…not yet, no.
ANNA Must have been some fight, huh?
KARL You were there, though…
ANNA Yes…but Alex managed to keep me from seeing the action.
KARL Yeah well, you might have been hurt.
ANNA How’s Rik?
KARL Oh, he’s fine. He’s out of hospital now.
ANNA Give him my love and tell him that I think he’s a great actor.
KARL (sighing) Yeah…OK.
(VAL enters from back)
VAL Hi, little girl. What you doing tonight then, huh?
ANNA Get lost…creep.
KARL Anna, this is Valentine.
ANNA (grinning) Valentine?
VAL Yeah, well just call me Val, OK?
ANNA OK.
VAL So, you’re Karl’s girlfriend, huh?
(ANNA scowls)
KARL No, Val. It’s Kane wot she likes.
ANNA Karl…
VAL (grimacing) Kane? Not Kane Smith? He’s a gypsy. He drives a Skoda!
ANNA He ain’t a gypsy.
VAL See? Proves you like him!
ANNA So what if I do?
KARL Oh well, so does every other girl this side of Peru.
ANNA Really?
KARL I’m sorry kiddo, but he’s got a girl.
ANNA Oh…
VAL Don’t worry kid, you don’t wanna go with a gypsy anyway.
ANNA Oh, you’d know, wouldn’t you?
(RAFAEL enters through shop door)
VAL Oh God…
RAFAEL (drunk) Well…hi…guys…
KARL Oh Raf, just get outta here, OK?
RAFAEL (noticing Anna) Well, hi there, baby…
ANNA (backing away) Yeah…uh…hi.
KARL Get lost, Rafael.
VAL Or we’ll chuck you out…
RAFAEL Oh, OK. I get the message.
(RAFAEL exits)
ANNA Jeez…what a turd.
KARL Yeah – you bet.
SCENE 2: THE HOSPITAL.
(AXEL and KANE are in twin beds)
AXEL Kane, my friend…
KANE I ain’t your friend.
AXEL Look, I’m sorry I slit your tyres, OK? Oh Kane, we used to be mates, why can’t we be now? I’ll get you new tyres, OK?
KANE No, it isn’t OK. You shouldn’t have done it in the first place.
(ALEX enters, with flowers)
ALEX (cheerfully) Hi boys! Still not talking to one another? No? Well, I bought you some flowers…
(ALEX gives KANE and AXEL the flowers)
AXEL Thanks…
KANE (sarcastically) Yeah, they’re lovely.
AXEL Terrific…
ALEX Jeez guys…why don’t you make up?
KANE Look, it’s none of your business…
ALEX Yes son, it is actually, because it was my house that you trashed.
AXEL Yeah, sorry.
ALEX Well, I’ve got some good and some bad news for you…
AXEL Well?
ALEX You are free to leave the hospital now.
AXEL Oh, wicked!
KANE Yeah, that’s great! ALEX And the bad news…this is for you Kane…I got a call from Sammy…she’s found herself another guy…and Axel, someone nicked your Fiat Uno…well, goodbye…
(ALEX exits. KANE and AXEL look at one another in horror)
SCENE 3: RIK’S HOUSE.
(RIK is lying on the sofa, asleep. TONI is lying on the floor. COLIN enters)
COLIN Jeez, what a mess…(shakes RIK) Wake up, little brother…
RIK Wha…
COLIN How did your house get in such a mess?
RIK Uh…me and Toni had a party last night to celebrate me coming home…and…uh…
COLIN Great (shaking TONI) Toni…
TONI Uh…hi, Colin.
COLIN You two drunk, or what?
RIK No, we ain’t…
TONI No, we got hangovers, that’s what…
COLIN Well, that’s great, isn’t it? That’s just great!
RIK Hey Colin…it’s my house…
COLIN Yeah, I know that, squirt, it’s just that we were going to invite some upper class people round here…who might just get me a promotion.
RIK Oh hell…I forgot…what time are they getting here?
COLIN (looking at his watch) Um…ten minutes?
RIK Oh Col…I’m so sorry…
(COLIN jumps on him and they fight)
SCENE 4: RAFAEL’S HOUSE.
(RAFAEL enters the lounge, where SUSAN and DANNY, his brother and sister, are watching TV)
DANNY (looking up) Oh God…
RAFAEL How come everyone, when they see me, says that?
DANNY Can you blame them?
SUSAN Oh Raffy…what’s happened? You used to be such a cute little kid…and now…
DANNY Oh, Susan, don’t….
SUSAN What happened? What went wrong?
DANNY He grew up, that’s what.
RAFAEL Yeah, dudes! Raf grew up! Raf’s invincible now! Just you try to stop me!
SUSAN Stop you from doing what?
RAFAEL This…(climbs on windowsill) Goodbye…cruel world!
(RAFAEL jumps out of the window)
SUSAN NO! DANNY Oh great…peace at last…
RAFAEL (from ground) Ah! Who put these bloody thorns down here?
DANNY Maybe not…
SCENE 5: OUR PRICE RECORD STORE.
(It is the next day. KARL is cleaning the work surface. COLIN enters)
KARL Colin! Oh Colin, I haven’t seen you for ages! Where have you been?
COLIN (gloomily) Don’t ask.
KARL Oh mate…what’s wrong?
COLIN Why don’t you ask Rik?
KARL Rik?
COLIN Yes, Rik. The little bugger just happened to have a party the day before we were going to invite some upper class people round to see about my new promotion, and…
(KANE enters)
KARL Kane! Kane my friend, I haven’t seen you in ages, man! What…
KANE Oh, shut up!
KARL Well, that’s charming, that is. Just charming!
COLIN What’s up, Kane?
KANE You know Sammy?
COLIN Sammy King?
KANE Yeah, she…
KARL …left you.
KANE Wait a minute. How the hell did…
KARL Axel told me.
KANE Axel? That no good, double-crossing, lying…
KARL He is my flatmate.
KANE Still? I thought after Benjie and Rik…
KARL And the traction engine? Yeah, but we made up. Me and Axel. So should you.
COLIN Yeah…
KARL Yeah Col, and you should make up with Rik.
COLIN I dunno…he made me pretty mad.
KARL Mad? So did Axel make me. But we made up because – well, we’d been friends for so long that it seemed a pity to break up over one little argument…
COLIN Yeah, well, I’ll give it a try.
KANE Yes…me too.
KARL Bravo!
SCENE 6: AXEL’S FLAT.
(AXEL is pacing restlessly. The doorbell rings. AXEL answers it. It is ANNA)
AXEL Oh…hi…
ANNA Hiya, Axel. Where’s Karl?
AXEL Working.
ANNA Did you two make up?
AXEL Yep.
ANNA Well, that’s great. Really brill. I’m glad, because I wouldn’t have wanted to take sides.
AXEL Yeah, and you’d have gone with Karl?
ANNA Yep. I’m sorry, Axel, but I think that he was in the right more than you.
AXEL Great (pouts). Don’t you love me any more?
ANNA Axel…
(SUSAN enters)
AXEL Susan! Don’t bother ringing, just walk straight in!
SUSAN I’m sorry but…have you seen Rafael?
AXEL Yes.
SUSAN Yes? Oh Axel, where?
AXEL (picking up comic) Here. Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles…(picks up T shirt) Here. Teenage Mutant…
SUSAN (crying) Axel…
ANNA Well done, Ax.
AXEL Oh Susan, oh, I didn’t mean to make you cry, oh baby, please stop. If you don’t stop…
SUSAN What?
AXEL I’ll bloody sock you, that’s what! Now shut your face, you silly tart!
(SUSAN takes a knife from her pocket)
AXEL (quickly) Rafael? Rafael? Hell no. I haven’t seen him all day thankyouverymuchgoodbye.
SUSAN Wimp.
(SUSAN exits)
AXEL Shit, I never knew that Susan would pull something like…Jeez…
ANNA I think I’d better leave.
AXEL Oh don’t leave me, please, she might come back.
ANNA (sneering) Wimp.
AXEL Eh?
SCENE 7: RIK’S HOUSE.
(RIK is lying in front of the TV. COLIN walks in)
RIK Uh…Colin…
COLIN Rik, I…
RIK Oh Colin, look, I don’t want another lecture, OK?
COLIN Rik, I wasn’t going to –
RIK I get the message, OK? COLIN Rik – I shouldn’t have…
RIK I mean, it is my house, and…
COLIN RIK! RIK Yeah?
COLIN Look, I’m sorry I yelled at you and…well, you were right, it is your house.
RIK Well, thanks, Colin. I’m having another party tonight. Wanna come?
COLIN No, I don’t think so.
(TONI and RAFAEL enter, drunk)
TONI Yo…big brother…
COLIN Rik…
RAFAEL Comin’ to the party, Col?
TONI Yeah…it’ll be great.
(SUSAN enters, drunk)
SUSAN Yo…Colin…
COLIN Rik…what the hell…
RIK I had a party this morning, too.
TONI It was great.
RAFAEL You should have been there, Colin.
SUSAN But tonight’s gonna be even better, huh Rik?
RIK Yeah…you bet.
COLIN Well…I suppose…I could come for just a little while.
RIK Good on ya!
SCENE 8: AXEL’S FLAT.
(ALEX enters)
AXEL If you’ve come to talk to me about Kane, then don’t bother.
ALEX No, ‘course not. You can fight your own battles…
AXEL Really? ALEX Yeah, I’ve come to give you the bill for wrecking my house.
AXEL Oh shit...
ALEX Five thousand pounds to be exact.
AXEL Five big ones? You’re joking.
ALEX I never joke…except when I’m on the telly.
AXEL Oh, they were jokes, were they? Look Alex, I’m sorry, but I can’t pay you. I would sell my car but…
(DANNY enters)
DANNY Yo! Whose Toyota is that outside? Man, is that hot or what?
(KARL enters)
KARL Yo Dan, that your groovy car?
DANNY Nope, it ain’t mine. Dead good, eh?
KARL Yeah. Alex, that yours?
ALEX Nope, it ain’t mine.
(VAL enters)
VAL Sorry for barging in, but I had to find out whose car that was.
AXEL Well…I dunno…
(AXEL goes to the window and looks)
AXEL Wow! Is that cool or what?
(KANE enters)
KANE You like it? It’s yours.
AXEL What?
KANE I won it. In a competition. I’ve already got a car. I don’t need it.
AXEL But…why give it to me?
VAL I wanna tell him! Let me tell him!
DANNY Shut up! You don’t even know why!
VAL I do! It’s because…
KANE It’s because I’m sorry that I wouldn’t make up with you, Axel…
AXEL So you give me a car? Jeez, thanks Kane, I don’t know what to say…
KANE Say that we can be friends again.
AXEL Oh Kane…of course we…but what about the five thousand?
ALEX Slight exaggeration. I meant 50p.
AXEL What?
ALEX The only thing you broke was a vase I got for 50p from a jumble sale.
AXEL What? You told me that it was an antique…
ALEX Shut up and hand it over.
(AXEL gives him 50p)
VAL Shall we be off to Rik’s party, then?
AXEL Yeah! Radical!
KANE I dunno…
KARL Why not?
KANE It’ll be the first party I’ve been to without Sammy, and…
AXEL I think I can fix that. I know someone who’d love to go with you!
KANE Who?
(ANNA enters)
ANNA Hiya Axel!
AXEL Hiya baby! How d’ya like to go to a party?
ANNA With you?
KANE No…with me.
ANNA (blushing) Really?
AXEL Let’s go!
(Everyone exits)
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